Couples Work

We think we are set play of thoughts, words, actions, deeds, all pretty much solidified during childhood, but in reality we are a moving flux of differing energetics throughout our entire life. The only thing that keeps us static and set in our grooves is thinking that is so.

So for a long time i’ve listened to the opening lines of my clients telling me the way they are, that they can’t change, their partners are xyz, that life has them on a trajectory that is ‘out of their hands’. In many ways the need to say this is just a mechanism of fear, if they have no expectations/possibilities, they won’t be disappointed. But the reality is anything is possible if your system is fully behind it.

Couple’s work is a set of dance steps that changes over the years: at times fluid, in sync, on point; at others jarred, out of rhythm and discordant. The discord is where the clients run: into their work; into their kids’ lives; into a substance; or into another’s arms. The irony, if it the latter, is that’s never the reason for why the relationship has broken down but so easy to have a tangible moment or event to throw the blame into.

But the discord is where the magic is, it’s where the friction is saying ‘notice this’, ‘deal with this’ ‘bring it to the forefront for your combined and individual growth.

Whatever the glue was that brought a couple together in the first place is never enough to sustain it through the years. We grow older, our kids/parents/friends grow older; our interests, our confidence, our passions, our bodies change. Our roles change, our fears and anxieties change. Everything is up for grabs and few people seek help quickly enough to get conscious to the unconscious drivers that are pushing for change, that are bored, that fear change, that fear talking to their partners for fear of creating upset, that fear death and transformation of any kind.

if you are feeling restless, numb, bored, deflecting feeling, hiding in work etc make a conscious change to reach out and get some help. Talking therapy is all well and good to know the patterns we fall into, however, the next step is taking active choice in changing those dance steps. As you change your steps your partner and your family will too. Nothing is impossible, nothing is not possible to say if it is said from the right place within you, and everything is healable.