The Good, the Bad, and the Wild

A client came to me saying she had a dream where her best friend was flirting with her boyfriend in a very provocative way and as she watched the scene unfold she felt strangely voyeuristic to it and turned on. And the more her man was turned on the greater she felt it amplified in her too.  We talked about her own sex life, what she liked/didn't, whether she initiated, role played etc.  

She had only had two boyfriends in her life and of late her current boyfriend had been showing signs of impotency.  Whenever it happened he would say 'It's never happened to me before' and she would literally swallow that sentence down whole as if it were something personal to her own desirability and sexual energy.  When I asked her why she took his comment in, she replied "well it must be me, he's getting bored by me, I'm not sure I've very good in bed - look at my dream he's sleeping with my best friend and I seem to be ok with that.  I never feel that turned on, happily would rather read a book which is why the dream is so weird for me'.  

We talked about her own early learning of sex and intimacy how when she was 14yrs old she'd felt a profound shift in her father's relationship with her, how he was awkward around hugging her, she could no longer sit on his lap watching TV, nothing was spoken about.  Equally she felt her mother's disproval of some of the things she would wear to go out as if it were necessary to now hide her body in case it 'got her into trouble'.  It's easy to see how parents who love their kids so much say things without the necessary feeling of why, mentioned behind it.  If her mother had spoken of her own vulnerability around her daughter's safety it would have been far more acceptable to understand than a judgment call that did nothing great but shame her daughter's body.  All this goes into the subconscious and starts to rule our lives unconsciously.  

We have been working to find the 'wilder' woman side of my client - to see where expressions of the dream and her best friend's behaviour comes out in her too - or as we discovered, doesn't...or hasn't until we started the work together.   The homework we set is about reclaiming that lost energetic, letting go of patterns In her family ancestry that had the woman suppress herself for fear of things 'getting out of control'.  

For a woman to reclaim her power, her sexuality, her 'wild' not 'bad' side is key to her own self governance and personal growth.  When she is forced to suppress this side of her many things can happen: illness; a desire to control many areas of her life and people around her; or to be ok with being controlled by others/ by her partner as if there is some illusionary 'safety' in that.  A 'better they look after it' energetic. It is however key that a woman finds and owns her own wild nature - it's a journey she has to go on by herself either in relationship or outside of a relationship with another otherwise it gets projected onto their partners - they hold 'wild/feeling/spontaneity' and we hold 'control/reason/rigidity.  The dance of relationship is can you both eventually find these parts within you both and within the relationship so there's a conscious decision on when/where/how these energies come out to play and don't get buried away or swallowed down.

At our last session we talked about the comment made by her boyfriend regarding his impotency never happening before.  She told me it still happens at times, but that they have been able to talk about the stress he's under and that sharing has really helped the issue fall into the background as greater intimacy builds between them so love making builds too.  She's learning to really feel into what and how she wants to show up in the world as a sexual, wild, all feeling woman and to stretch those muscles that were long term squashed way back in adolescence.  She joked to me the other session that if ever she was with a man again she didn't know well who tried to push his impotency on her she'd respond with a soft kiss on his cheek 'Well just make sure it doesn't happen again otherwise I'm off to pastures new'.


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